But your body breathes.

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 05:55:52 GMT

Fuck this. I don't want to be this way, but the idea of sleeping without you tears me up. Insides out. I would spill my guts on the floor, but you're the only person I feel comfortable sobbing in front of. I am crying in our bed, not bothering to wipe the tears because I'm tired and soon is never soon enough.

I'm sorry that I'm crazy. But I want want want. I recognize that it's not a necessity. I won't die without your skin and your scent and the soft sound of your voice, but sometimes it feels so close to need that I confuse the two and I'm left in bed with just the faint imprint of your body from this morning.

How melodramatic. I'm not trying to be a bitch on the phone. To be that girl that demands you align each and every detail of your very existence to fit some perfect schedule crafted in my head. I was just empty today. So hollow I could hear the echo of my heartbeat against my ribs. So tired that thoughts dripped from one neuron to the next, breeding indifference that seeped right into my bloodstream and infected my entire mindset. I wanted your face and your hands and the safe, calm place that you and I create.

There's no one else and that makes me feel even more alone.

Sun, 26 Apr 2009 14:00:16 GMT

Google is telling me it's 78 degrees and it's not even 10AM. What the fuck is that shit? I am awed that Boston chose to skip straight from Spring into Summer, weather-wise. Half the trees outside don't even have leaves on them yet and it's already ridiculously hot outside.

I am so tired, but the heat makes it hard to sleep. Just a few days ago I was relishing the feeling of waking up cold and burying deeper into my comforter, especially on Sunday mornings. Now the fan is on and we've kicked the blankets from the bed and all I can think about when I clothes my eyes is how warm my skin feels and how my hair is getting so long that it's becoming a burden for summer.

I only have two and half weeks of classes yet. No finals, but I should probably get my shit together in terms of the work I have to finish. Two papers and three presentations and then it's summer. Well summer but with the added bonus of working on my APA poster and reviewing as much literature as humanly possible in order to get a leg up on my senior thesis next year.

I finally got a job. It's a smoke shop that's been in Harvard Square for 126 years and I generally stand about with my co-workers and ring people up on an ancient register and spend every break with William since he's only a few doors away at Bob Slate. Twelve an hour and I get to wear cute dresses and the days go by fast. Thank god for being employed.

Thursday: Instead of getting any kind of real work done I drove with Will, Brayman, and Bun to North Adams. We ate hot dogs and I saw MCLA and then I got really drunk on gin and we went to see Ghostface perfom. His set barely lasted 30 minutes, but I got to dance with him on stage and scream all his lyrics and he gave me a hug. If we had stayed the night I probably would've figured out a way to have sex with him, but I was too drunk and both Will and I had to work at 9AM. Still one of the best moments of my life thus far.

Today I am going to drive William to work. Go to the gym. Finish a paper. Classify interviews. Lay out in the sun. Mmmmmm. Sun.

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 03:39:19 GMT

I've been high since 3PM and I stopped smoking at 5PM. Alyssa smoked me up and fed me and was generally really wonderful. I didn't have anything to talk about because I was too stoned and tired.

My chest is really tight and nothing helps so I'm back to breathing like the did in high school. Attention cough is in full effect.

Quitting cigarettes sucks, but I was a good girl today. One god awful rollie using old tobacco. I'm not so bad about them mentally right now, but my body is screaming out for that nicotine relaxation. Fuck.

I keep sneezing and my nose is always stuffy at night and I wake up in the morning with a dry throat and flecks of dried saliva all over my lips from breathing through my mouth while I sleep.

I haven't done any real school work since Thursday and I don't want to drive to Lawrence tomorrow. I wish I could just go to the gym and read William James and then only be on campus for maybe two hours and come home and read some more. Whatever. I'm just sick of driving.

Will carried me up a steep hill last night. I hate parties where I don't know anyone. Being really fucked up makes me hyper critical and easily annoyed by everyone. I didn't say anything because I was scared I would just start saying all the times I was thinking. I wanted to go home but I ate cupcakes and was passive aggressive towards Will until he took me homea

I've been picking fights non-stop, but only with William. I would like to blame it on the nicotine withdrawals and how close Spring is. I felt really good yesterday when it was warm and I wore a skirt and drove to Waltham and listened to music in the car. Will and I walked around Harvard on his lunch break. I was happy and it was nice. Right now I feel sort of grumpy. Nothing is ever enough and I don't know what I want. To just seethe and seethe, I guess, but then when you turn away I'm angry again. I have the feeling this is transient so I'm trying to not invest too much worry into it.

Yeah!

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 03:40:43 GMT

So I filled up my head with dreams of you. Projections of the future and the past, tangling all the love stories I had ever heard into something that was silver-rimmed and tasted like saltwater. I supposed you to be the sea, cold and chaotic, but calm beneath the surface. I would float on your existence or tether myself to the buoys that became your voice. I wanted to be your lighthouse, that shining beacon you lapped against even when the wind did not press you to my shores. But my light went out. I was disused without a keeper. The oil that made me shine had run out because the men who hunt the whales were turned away by your waves. You did not know. I did not know. I will become landlocked, making my home in a place where the only waves are wheat and seagulls do not nest. You will become blue ink on the map that hangs beside my bed. I will trace my finger over red lines of roads, the names of cities we did not see together. I will rise each morning and stare into the sunrise, thinking of the sea until it is no longer you. Fill my head with dreams of other people, other times, until my memories sink beneath the waves.

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 17:57:32 GMT

My two favorite men.

Note my really sexy XXL LL Bean shirt.

It's fucking freezing in the apartment. I think they turned off the heat because they're doing work downstairs. We didn't have water for 4 days and that sucked. It's supposed to come on today, so we can actually flush the toilet and wash dishes and shower.

I just want it to be summer already. I want to have all my money back. I want Will to be done with tour because as much as I know that it's important the thought of three weeks without it sends me into a panic spiral. I'm tired of the cold and the snow and having to always bundle up. I want to wear dresses and have a good job and not feel like crying over school.

Wah.wah.wah.wah. I don't even know what articulate means anymore.

Sat, 07 Feb 2009 16:08:13 GMT

+I need a job because I'm broke.
+I spent all yesterday in bed fighting the urge to vomit.
+The water was off almost all day yesterday and will only be on for an hour today.
+I'm already tired of school and it's been 2 weeks.
+I feel intensely lazy all the time. I just want to sleep, sleep, sleep.
+I want to cry all the time and mostly it's because of my impending period, but that doesn't make it any easier.
+I wish William wasn't at work so that there was someone here to hold me and make everything feel better.

Fuck thissss. I'm going to have to ask my parents for money. I am going to have to start trying really hard in the finding a job department. I don't want to. I want to stay in my bed. Goddammit.

Sat, 24 Jan 2009 17:20:14 GMT

There's a lot of shit in my life that is dragging me down. At this point William is the one who hears the majority of my complaints and definitely the only one I feel comfortable saying most of my personal shit to. I am incredibly lucky to have someone who regards all my insane and spiteful ramblings with such quiet understanding. When we drove back from Sudbury the other night I spent the entire time just ranting about the people and things that inspire such unmitigated rage in me. I'm not comfortable feeling angry. Sadness was always a comfortable sweater that I draped across my shoulders, especially in these winter months. Feeling defeated used to summon up tears and the solemn belief that I was the one to blame for the things in my life I cannot change. I'm advancing now. I am boiling with anger and the sort of vengeful fantasies that only play out in my mind or in bursts of elevated speech when Will and I are alone and the radio is turned off and I can simply stare at the browned banks of snow and know that I am doing my best and I don't need your shit to make me tired anymore.

Positives:

+I love living with Will. I love our room and the pictures and posters and records that line the walls. I love being held beneath the Christmas lights and not speaking, just breathing, until we turn out the lights and roll over to the separate parts of our big, comfortable bed to begin our slumber.

+I got accepted to the American Psychological Associations' summer conference in Toronto as a poster presenter. I legitimately screamed with joy when I found out last night because ever since the other girl I work with in the lab got her acceptance 2 weeks ago I've been a fucking nervous wreck thinking I would be turned down.

+William got me a whole month of yoga classes for Christmas and I get to start them February 1st. I need to be more centered and I know this is a step in the right direction.

+I have wonderful and amazing parents and even though this fact is a constant lately I've been reminded more and more. From my mom who drove up to the city even though she hates driving in Boston alone to drop off a dress and take me out to lunch to my father who met me in JP this morning to get the last of my things out of the apartment.

So, essentially, fuck the haters. My plan for the rest of 2009 is to learn to love the way my body was made and not subscribe to a doctrine that says I need to weigh 100lbs to feel beautiful. To accept that some people are still small children that must be coddled and smothered with attention or face the wrath of their whining. To know that being perfect is impossible and instead I should just work hard, surround myself with people who understand me and still love me in spite of it, and not let myself be dragged into everyone's bullshit.

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 05:26:46 GMT

I'm over it. Really and truly. I want to scream at so many people, but it's a waste of time. Stop tiring me out with your bullshit. People always marvel at how exhausted I am, but the truth is when you take everything in and let so little out, it just wears you down.

I can't wait to go across the country.

Om nom nom nom.

Tampa was:

+Sonic and Checkers.
+Recession.
+Driving in the Jeep.
+Wu-Tang.
+Grey Goose.
+Clubbing while sober.
+Smoking pot and taking the dog for walks.
+The Dali Museum & brownies.
+Staying up too late.
+Warm weather.
+Thick grass.
+ANGRY WHOPPERS.
+Every meal I ate being documented.

So good. I miss Brendan already.

Fuck the world, don't ask me for shit and everything you get you got to work hard for it.

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 23:59:32 GMT

I'm really fucking cold, but I don't really want to use the heat until it's absolutely necessary AKA when William gets here and bitches non-stop until I inch the thermosat up to 60.

I came home this morning to find one of the drop panels of my ceiling had crumbled beneath the weight on water dripping from the floor above and sent it crashing onto the futon in the living room. It was a big pain in the ass to clean and then when I got back from classes tonight I could see the water leaking through the panel next to the one that had already fallen down. There is a man here now who claims he is fixing it. I have a pot up there, but it's not really doing much good.

I am so close to being finished with my APA proposal that I can taste the online submission. I just want it to be in, but there's the amazingly exciting task of making sure everything is formatted correctly and that all my references check out. Oh well. One more week and it'll be put to bed and then I'll just have the poster itself to tackle.

I spent part of this weekend at home, but not real home because my parents' bathroom is being gutted and redone. I hung out with Jojo and my mom knew I was stoned and we talked about how one time she did coke and had an asthma attack but couldn't go to the hospital because she was still the children's librarian. Oy vey.

Saturday night, Will and I went with my parents and various other family members to dinner and then to see my Aunt sing with a chorus that she's part of. It was really nice and I was so happy Will was there even if he hates talking to everyone and wouldn't sing along.

When we got back to Somerville, Bun, Biegs, Brayman, and I bullied Will into smoking a blunt with us. It was a bad decision and Will was pretty much incoherent for the rest of the night. I was happy because I was high and cuddled up in bed with him, but he was freaking out and was a mess on Sunday too. No more pot for William, which is probably for the best.

After tomorrow I only have two weeks of classes and that is fantastic. There are several not so fantastic things going on in my life right now, but I shouldn't complain. I am thankful for a lot of things this year.

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 23:56:23 GMT

Happy cause of:

Good friends.

New tattoo.

William Fatherley.

I'm trying to keep shit in perspective. I cannot wait for Tampa in January and the possibility of London in May with William. I wish I didn't cry all the time. I hope I have a place to wear my overpriced and ridiculously slutty Halloween costume.

Ryan Olenick turns 21 in 4 hours. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RYAN. I get to cart Will and his drunk asses home from the bar. Hah.

Sat, 25 Oct 2008 13:44:19 GMT

Currently sitting in my freezing room. There is no food to eat in this house, but I'm too obsessed with the idea of getting a million hours of studying and research done to even consider a trip to Stop&Shop at this point.

Went with Biegs and Bun to Spooky World last night. Candy apples and me kicking out in fright. Honestly, the best part was riding the swings. I was high above everything and I could watch the lights and the chains that tethered us to the ride and the lake beyond the park. I wanted to stay up there forever because everything felt alright. A sense of weightless because lately all I am is heavy and tired. My therapist asked me what I would be doing if I could do anything I wanted and all I could do was start to sob and say "sleep". Sleep, sleep, sleep, but perhaps now I can change the answer to riding that goddamn ride until I can't take the motion anymore.

One of Louie's stupid fucking friends left the television blaring in the living room at the boys' house. And used my jacket as a blanket. And spilled an energy drink all over everything. He ruined my two hundred dollar textbook and broke William's laptop. FUCK YOU. Fuck little boys and their utter lack of respect for anyone else's shit. Get a fucking job. Sleep at your own goddamn house. STOP EATING ALL THEIR FOOD. Aghhghhhhhh. I started crying in the car because William didn't even seem upset, but fuck fuck fuck. This is the last thing he needs.

I wish I could just curl back under my covers and sleep until the afternoon. Then I would drive to Jojo's and lie on her bed and probably get high and definitely feel good. Instead I'll study for two exams and then outline a huge paper that isn't even due for 3 weeks, but if I don't start on it I will be gripping my wrists with severe agitation all week.

I don't know. A lot of people I know are fucking douchebags.

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 04:49:44 GMT

Drink up, baby, look at the stars. I'll kiss you again, between the bars.

I want to sleep forever. Or run far, far away. This is a recurring theme and I'm well aware of it. As of late, every minor obstacle has brought on a sense of perpetual doom and the ridiculous notion that nothing I do will ever be good enough. I'm tired of pretty much everyone and everything and it's making me snappy and insensitive. I want to be good. I want to be positive. I want to send out love and hope and beauty with every word and phrase, but I don't know how.

This sucks and I'm going to sleep.

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 05:23:58 GMT

I left my cellphone in Somerville because I'm fucking stupid.
I don't remember large portions of last night because I got drunk.
I spent the whole day watching William do laundry and feeling sick as a dog.
I want to sleep and sleep and sleep and not have to deal with a phone bill or grocery shopping or school work.

I am being melodramatic because it's late and nothing is ever enough for me. I'm happy to be back in Boston. Happy to fall asleep every night next to Will. Happy that I like my classes and I get to start doing research. Happy that there are people like Ryan and Jojo to keep me safe and warm.

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 22:57:06 GMT

Lately:
+Bowls with Jojo, Devin, Ashley, and Natalya.
+Video games with Ryan and Will.
+Good sleep.
+Amazing weather.
+Too many rats, rabbits, and turtles.

I don't want to do anything ever. I am glad it is always so gorgeous and warm when I decide to go outside. William is sleeping beside me and I am happier than I've been in a long time.

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 14:17:37 GMT

Thanksgiving was good. I woke up at Raf's dad's and went to my parents. My dad and I walked in the woods, I read People magazine, and my mom and I made food. It was just my parents, my aunt and uncle, and my cousin at my aunt and uncle's this year, but it was nice. I drank too much wine and talked about "butt hash" and my mom bought Indian ice cream that was full of kardamom and absolutely decilious with coffee.

I went back to Raf's dad's when we got home. He brought me tiny bottles of Bailey's because he's wonderful and instead of going out and being social we curled up in bed and watched The Wire with his cat. Also, Grayson called me and various people screamed "AWESOME" at me for almost a minute, which was jarring but hilarious.

My parents left this morning for Philly and I am alone in the house not really wanting to go to the gym. I should because I feel a little anxious and I should run off the excess energy before seeing everyone and ingesting things that might make me feel like the world is melting. I'm so glad Natalya will be here so I use her as my anchor.

What I am thankful for this year:

+ My parents because they have always given me everything I needed, but not everything I wanted which has made me significantly less spoiled than I could be. They are wonderful and send me on beautiful trips and pay my rent, but most importantly they love me unconditionally and I am so glad my relationship with them has matured to the point where we hardly fight.

+Rafael Julian Hickey. My bear and my prince and the boy I cannot imagine being without. I am thankful he exists and loves me back and that we are able to live together so well. I would be a much bigger and neurotic mess if he was not a part of my life.

+Natalya Betzig. I am thankful for Natalya because she is the first girl I have ever felt so close to. She is another person I am pretty certain I would be lost without. She completes me and even though everyone teases us when we sing Christina Aguilera in the car while holding hands I do not mind a bit because she is the most wonderful and inspiring girl I have ever known and I am so happy she's my girlfriend.

+My health. I am so lucky to not be sick with anything that could weaken me because god knows I am weak enough on my own. Despite my occasional back or joint pain, I am probably in the best shape I have ever been in and I know exercise can be thanked for that. Since February I have lost 30 lbs, which is pretty amazing. Losing weight is one of the first things I have ever really had to work hard for and I am thankful my body and mind were able to commit to my body's well being for so long.

+Reconnecting with old friends. Seeing people like Brendan and Cat after long (or not so long) periods of time makes me feel better about my ability to relate and connect to people. Both of them are people I can not see for months or even years, but as soon as we hang out everything just seems to pick up where it left off and I am smiling and laughing and remembering the past with them.

+Sam Patrick. The grumpiest boy I know, but the one who routinely inspires the most hope and promise inside me. I do not know why, but I want the best for him and even if he doesn't believe me, I believe in him. Also, Sam is one of the few people who made me feel less shitty about Jack Hanson and that is something to be thankful for.

+People like Ryan and Spencer. They pop into my life every once in awhile and then they spend some time out of it. That is fine. They make me laugh so hard and its hard to believe I have known Spencer since kindergarten. I have never worried about either of them or how well they will accomplish their goals, because they both have this quiet drive they rarely show.

+The ability to talk to Jack Hanson and not want to die. I do not blame him for spending over a year and a half treating me as though I was a ghost. I do not blame him for the anger or anything else. I blame myself for everything that happens and it still makes me hurt that I hurt someone who never showed me anything but love and devotion. But now we can exist. It is awkward and I sometimes feel the animosity that lurks beneath the jokes and gestures, but I am able to breathe alright now when he is near and we can even talk about the beat generation. That is enough.

Pretty much I am thankful for everyone I know that loves and cares about me. I am thankful that I am learning to love myself, for good grades, and the beautiful life I am carving out for myself in Boston.

Oh, and this Eazy-E shirt. Lolz.

Mon, 29 Oct 2007 03:05:49 GMT

I will always want the things I do not have. I am so full of warmth and love for this little apartment and the meals I make and waking up to blue skies. I know I made the right decision leaving Amherst and coming here. I know this is what contentment is.

But.but.but.but.

The memories of things surge up like bile and I choke and let the taste and feeling linger until I am certain I have felt it all. It is when I am in the car and I have switched the radio off to talk to my mother and then forgotten to put it back on. It is when I am walking home from school and the wind is not blowing too hard or too cold and so there is nothing to concentrate on but the things I should not. I think about two years ago a lot. I think about you a lot which isn't to say I miss you, but I miss the past because of how well I have romanticized it in all this time I've had to think. I have gilded it with a thick silver lining and forgotten all about the storm clouds. I know they were there because the sky was always too dark and you were always too sad, but when I think of you all I remember is your flannel sheets. The way your face wash smelled. The woods where we walked and sometimes it was enough for you to hold me and for us to be surrounded by trees. I worry that I remember the beauty and not the beast because I am unconsciously attempting to sabotage the life I now have. To let the "what if"s consume me until all I have is answers and decisions for situations and questions that will never come. I hope that I remember quiet noises, the things you gave up for me, and the bird that beat inside you because they shaped me, allowed me to grow and that is the most beautiful thing of all.

I am not unhappy. I am proud of the 98 I got on my honors paper. I am happy I wonderful parents and a loving boyfriend. I miss Natalya and the calming force she is in my life. I miss Amato because he is the only one who finds me hilarious. I miss Sam Patrick because the more he rejects me the more fiercely devoted I feel towards him. I miss Claire because everything seems to prevent us from seeing each other. I miss Grayson and Azlan and select parts of the UMASS Amherst student body. I miss Cecilia Pineda, but I am actually really glad she's liking Brown so much that its difficult to find time to fit me in.

I am working on my missing.

Sun, 19 Aug 2007 19:10:25 GMT

Raf and I have been passing back a cold for two weeks now. We wake up and sit in bed, sipping our coffee and coughing up our lungs. It's super cute.

We started moving in yesterday and everyone but me almost broke their backs trying to lug our new red velvet sofa up three flights of stairs. I directed the fiasco and held the legs of the sofa. We have a lot of stuff moved in and there's two more weekends, but the anxiety of change is already heavy inside me. As excited as I am to be living with Raf and my classes semester I think I will always be uneasy of change and allow that uneasiness to weigh me down.

My mom's new thing is accusing me of anorexia and telling me not to lose anymore weight. It makes me laugh because this entire summer I have eaten ice cream and cakes and essentially not restricted myself whatsoever in terms of my diet and it is only through virtue of my gym going that I've lost 13 pounds since I left UMASS. I understand her fears, but I've never expressed a desire to be tiny, just healthy and comfortable in my skin.

Last night Ceci and I tried to help name Anna Gayer's kitten and watched TAQ's last gig of the summer. The lights outside the Nimrod made me happy and so did seeing Kirsten Quinn and going to Brendan's with Amato afterward. I got back to Raf's late, drunk off like one beer, and watched Die Hard because I really wasn't tired at all.

What didn't make me happy last night was Kirsten mentioning that some girl from Bishop Stang referred to me as "the girl who fucked up Jack Hanson bad". I don't want to be that girl. I was trying to explain to Kirsten just how guilty and sick it makes me to see Jack now. How badly I want to apologize for all my wrongdoing and stupidity. My skin crawls from it and I wake up with my muscles aching when the memories get the worst.

Today I cleaned my room for the first time in a year and realized I have a surplus of clothes that fit once again. Being a pack rat has won out in my favor for once.

I need to take at least a month long break from smoking weed. It makes me feel stupid and sluggish and probably isn't helping my goal of eating better.

My last day on Cape in August 31st. Get at me before that.

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 19:34:00 GMT

It is too hot. I love the summer and that everything is fresh and alive and that my skin and hair are tinted from the sun. But it is too warm and I don't have time to go to the beach right now. Today has been a lazy day. I woke up and made myself breakfast and drank hot coffee and then laid in bed for most of the day. I am fine with that. I have been going to the gym and drinking lots of water. I have been visiting with friends and fishing with my father and working a lot. I need to be sedentary for awhile. I feel allowed.

The summer is going by fast and I need to start preparing for the fall. We have a lot of furniture for the apartment, but we need things like cookware and dishtowels. Mostly I just want new clothes.

I am so glad I mesh well with Raf's family.

I want a a vacation, but money's tight. I am saving so well that I am scared to splurge. What I really want is a roadtrip somewhere with people I love. Amato already offered the back of the Mountaineer as a bed and Natalya and I just want to buy fireworks and roast marshmellows somewhere.

Wed, 09 May 2007 01:57:10 GMT

I'm no fun anymore.

I am surprised by this because I never really thought I was fun to begin with. I have let potential friendships wither away simply because I am no fun. I don't really like going out. There are some days when I wake up and I want to go shopping or I want to go for a walk because it is warm and beautiful, but more often than not I just want to sit and talk or let the television be a substitute for words. I dislike it immensely when things are expected of me and this is my biggest problem with school. I worry myself deep into the ground thinking about all the things I need to get done because they are numbered on a syllabus or have come out of the mouth of my professors. I will be happy when this week is over. I will be very happy when I buckle down and write my final paper of my freshman year, which I started tonight, but cannot finish because the word "down" looked misspelled over and over and that made me worried for my mental clarity.

I have a lot of time up here to do things like work out and worry and watch Showgirls with Natalya. I have a lot of time to sit in my room alone and listen to music and fight sleep. I wish I could spend such time (with the exception of time spent working out and seeing people like Natalya) viewing apartments or getting a job in Falmouth for the summer or having an interview for the Honors Department at UMASS Boston. I don't have blocks of time during the weekdays that allow for such occurrences, but these are the things I worry about the most. I must've asked Azlan 7 or 8 times in the span of 2 hours if he thought I could schedule my cleaning shift at work on a Saturday in order to get an interview for Wednesday and maybe even an apartment viewing. He had no idea.

I am thinking that a box, some duct tape, and a tarp might be in order for Raf and I since we cannot seem to find a place to live to save our lives. There is a conspiracy against us, created by realty agencies in Boston that is making it impossible for even them to find places we are supposed to view. What the fuck?

I really hope I get the job at MBL I was interviewed for yesterday. I would work with rats and mice and bunnies and clean their cages and not really mind at all. I need $$$$$$$$$$ and lots of it.

What I will miss about UMASS:
+Natalya Betzig (who has partially restored my faith in girls as friends).
+Make your own stir-fries with Cat.
+Amato, Grayson, and Azlan when they aren't sassing me or skipping class.
+How warm and pretty it is right now.
+Chris Wetherbee and all the porn/rap/ridiculous videos we shared together.
+Ryan O'Flanagan.
+The larger pool of people to judge.
+Working at Peoples' Market.

What I won't miss about UMASS:
+Gaby Segalla, world's shittiest roommate.
+Will Baldwin.
+Pretty much 99.9% of my dorm.
+Walking up the hill 2-4 times a day and STILL being out of breath.
+Having to remember my keys/shoes when I need to pee.
+The complete and total lack of privacy I experience pretty much 24/7.
+Bros.
+Hoes.
+Getting fucked up because there's nothing else to do.
+Getting fucked up because people won't stop giving me shit until I do.
+The food here. CHICKEN STUFFED WITH HAM?!?!
+The lack of Raf Hickey.
+The shitty people who work at the gym.
+The shitty, hellishly hot condition of the gym.
+English classes taught by people without basic command of the English language.

You can see all my flaws here. The crookedness in my nose. The bags beneath my eyes. I am as tired as that all the time and there is nothing wrong. I eat right. I exercise. I get 8 hours of sleep a night. I take my vitamins. I do not have anemia or any thyroid issues. I don't know. I am the picture of health besides the extra beats of my heart, but I still feel like shit pretty much all the time.

I think the summer will help. I think more sun and more people I genuinely care about will amend a lot of the problems I am having, as well as the ones I make for myself. I will try to be more comfortable with my body. I have lost 11 lbs since I started working out and eating better, but I still feel heavy and disgusting when I look in the mirror.

Also, I missed the episode of Law & Order: Criminal Intent where David Cross plays Howard K. Stern. I can honestly say I'm devastated. FUCK!

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 16:33:20 GMT

!

+ I saw a squirrell fall 25 feet from a tree this morning. Onto his back. He got right up and scurried up the same tree he tumbled from.
+ My back feels the way that squirrel's back feels.
+ Grayson and I are listening to the Notorious B.I.G. to pump him up for sweeping his entire dorm room.
+ I never ever have to think about derivatives or linear locations or integrals or anything having to do with calculus.
+ I got ridiculously high last night and stayed up until 4:30am. Then I woke up at 7am and took my Calculus final and I kicked its ass.
+ I now own the most amazing sweatshirt I've ever seen. I want to be buried in it.
+ Grayson and I are ignoring E. coli and getting Taco Bell on the way home. My stomach gurgles with approval.
+ They upped my dosage of Zoloft and added Wellbutrin. They also suggested buying Gingko Baloba and I'm willing to do whatever it is I need to do to feel normal again.
+ I am going to Amsterdam in exactly 2 weeks. gsgjshgjsbhghrugtriuhgjgj. It is going to be fucking beautiful and my bag is going to be full to bursting with ridiculous souvenirs.
+ There are only a few people on Earth I want to see and I'm okay with that.
+ I need a gameboy/gameboy advance/nintendo DS in order to play Pokemon with the boys. I feel left out. D:
+ I am going to miss the boys even though 2 of them will be in the same town as me for break. STILL. It is a little sad.

Go.go.go.go.

Sat, 16 Dec 2006 23:06:21 GMT

Exhausted.exhausted.exhausted.

I don't even know why. Ever since I came home all I've gone is sleep for hours at a time. I can't seem to get enough and it makes my whole existence sluggish and drowsy.

I'm having issues with everything. I want to rip off my skin I'm so uncomfortable in it. I hate my face, stomach, hair, skin, legs, arms, back. EVERYTHING. I want it gone.gone.gone.

I'm so negative its making me huffy and pushing, smashing things up and glaring at Raf. I get so frustrated with my own feelings that I take it out on him and then it makes the whole room heavy with our anger. I don't know. I'm so fucking tired of feeling this way. It isn't fair. I felt fixed. I thought I was fixed. Why am I back where I started?

The boys and I made gingerbread houses.

Grayson and Amato made a Pokemart that featured a Pokecoral and walls that liked to collapse.

Grayson <3's Steroids.

Shir gave props to Jim Jones AND Israel with his gingerbread house the featured a star of david sky-light. BALLIN!

Azlan and I were gonna make a cigarette factory. Or a trippy mushroom land. Then all of our cookie-capped mushrooms fell apart so we just made swirly designs and peppermint trails to whatever the fuck kind of gingerbread place we created. Either way, Azlan was fucking pysched on icing.

"Reserved for Customers Carrying Large Packages".

AWWW YEAHHH.

Basically. I'm trying to get over myself.

Thu, 04 May 2006 18:21:37 GMT

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